L'Accordeonaire

Julia Bouwsma reads poems. Barb Truex and I play music! Be there!

Over on Medium, I’ve published a story about the value of accordions at a funeral. You can read it there, or here’s the whole thing.

Most people do not have accordions at their funerals — either their own funerals or ones they throw for loved ones. I realized it this weekend, when I attended the funeral of a friend. She was brilliant in every way, and the service was moving and wonderful.

One thing was missing.

No accordions. Not a single one. It seemed weird to me, especially with me, a startlingly good accordionist, right there in the crowd. What are they teaching in schools these days, if not that you should always have accordions at your funeral.

Perhaps, it’s not self-evident? Perhaps you need convincing? Here are 9 reasons why you should always have an accordion at any funeral you decide to throw, even your own.

1. People might be sad at your funeral. I know it’s kind of a cliché, but people are going to be sad at your funeral unless you have an accordion there. Accordions make people happy. It’s just a fact, and not providing an accordion at your funeral will be doing a disservice to the wellness of friends and family. Alternatively — and other accordionists don’t like me mentioning this — a stand-up comic will serve.

2. Your person might not actually be dead. In some places, they’ve been known to string a bell, so if the “departed” wakes up six feet under, they pull the string, the bell rings, and folks dig you up — or not, depending on how well liked you were.In other places, they’ll put a spike on the inside lid of the coffin. Close the lid, impale the body. You have removed the possibility of a person being buried alive. Simple, but severe.If you’d only known playing an accordion polka into the ear of the “loved one” would get a toe tapping in even the most comatose of living persons, all of that anxiety could be avoided. Why take a chance?

3. Accordions keep away ants. You want to get ants? Because having no accordion at your funeral is how you get ants.

4. Save on grave diggers. Accordionists have extraordinary upper body strength, and are vain and very susceptible to flattery. Lead with something like, “It’s your accordion playing that will make this funeral perfect!” Then, hand them a shovel and tell them where to start digging.

5. Fiscal rewards. Accordion players are famously successful and wealthy. After the service, or at the wake, when folks are mingling with gin and charcuterie, they’ll have a chance to pitch the accordionist their Big Idea. Maybe the accordionist will fund their startup, or endow a chair at their private university, or back an avant garde play. Accordionists love to be seen spending their abundant cash.

6. Style. If your funeral is being reviewed in the press, having an accordionist will send you to the top of the society page. Kennedy didn’t have an accordion — he settled for bagpipes. Ditto for Queen Elizabeth. But you, my friend, you are a class act determined to demonstrate your genuine, authentic, and passionate love by having an accordion playing “On d’oneron Garda” for your cold, cold beloved.

7. A caper. It may be your loved one has expired and hidden all of their wealth — in the form of gems and bearer bonds — in an “impenetrable” vault. They’ve told their security service to make sure that you, a misunderstood and embittered ex, don’t get your grubby little hands on it.Obviously, you need to assemble a diverse team of scalawags to engage in an extraordinarily clever caper. Not Brad Pitt clever, but Alec Guinness clever.For this, you will need an accordion player. Skills developed playing the squeezebox are transferable to code-breaking, demolition, sapping, cliff diving, and sushi preparation. The fact that you don’t know this is a scandal.

8. Exposing the murderer. If you want to figure out who caused the expiration of the decedent, an accordionist is your best bet. What better than a waltz to lull the villain into a false, voluble sense of security?

9. Sex. You may choose the Argentine branch of the accordion family — the bandoneon — to play tangos for the bereaved. If that happens, though, your funeral will become an orgy with a lot of weeping — that’s what tango is. I’m just letting you know it’s an option.

Clearly, there are more reasons. But as the grad school saying goes, “I may not have finished, but I’ve stopped writing.”

I think this might be my favorite one, so far.

This is a waltz by longtime FRLO member Barb Truex, who accompanies on dulcimer. A lot of really cool things I noticed while putting this together. A lot of one-row accordions in the mix, including a Mignon (I think, Matt?). Also, the bass and harmony parts (arranged by Anahata and Howard Mitchell, respectively) really came together, as well as the totally unexpected harp accompaniment from Janneke. Gonk played a wonderful descant harmony over the b section. Between Barb, Eric, and Eggy, we had three guitars! That felt like a lot of rhythm, to me. But when they all come in, the second time around the tune, it really works.

I began with Anahata’s accordion and cello, Janneke’s harp, and Barb’s dulcimer because this is a tune with a very delicate side, and I thought twenty seconds, or so, of accordion chamber music would be a nice beginning before the orchestra kicked in. Thanks to Barb for shooting the sun videos. I chose not to do anything, this time, with the videos of players because, even though I’m over COVID, I still get very tired, very quickly, and this was taking way too long to get out.

Thank you EVERYONE! The band really shines.

The Free Reed Liberation Orchestra (Jan 2023 edition) is Barb Truex Anahata Matthew Bampton Ben Hemmendinger (Gonk) Howard Mitchell Janneke Slagter Gren Penn Andrew Edgington Eric Johnson Margaret Cox Gary Chapin

This is a tune Gary learned twenty years ago (at least) from clarinet buddy Steve Gruverman. I’m not sure of the provenance of the Congo, as a dance in France, but it was popular in the 1920s with the Bal Musette, I believe. FRLO (Halloween 2022 edition) is Gary Chapin, Anahata, Martin Dumas, Matthew Bampton, Janneke Slagter, Gren Penn, Margaret Cox, and Barbara Truex.

I’ve curated a large playlist on Spotify of mainly Centre France music, but a lot from around the movement as well. Enjoy!

Here’s the link.

We’ve just designed a new Le Bon Truc website to take us into the next phase of human existence. If you need French dance and folk music to get through the night. Go check us out.

Another comedy vid of me accompanying my own essay, which is hilarious, Subscribe and like and all that. Check out MuddyUm!